well, well, well...

so...

long time

no see

:)

haven't had

any

time

since i stared thie new school year

to write new blogs

it's

CRAZY!

my

AP

classes

are totally insane

and give me

shit-loads

of homework to do

every night

plus...

i absolutely

have

to talk to my

charming

boyfriend

Chancery David

<3

yes

since last time

i did

in the end

choose chancery

and i am

SO

glad i did

we are going to spend

the rest of our lives

together

i know it

and he does too

i just can't wait

XD

we've been dating for almost

nine months

now

and that is a

short time

compared to

the lifetime

we have ahead of us

***

i'm taking
AP english

AP US history

spanish II

colorguard

and

creative writing

for fisrt semester

second is

AP english

AP US history

algebra II

band

and

art

...

yeah

i'm taking art

it's better than being stuck in the

freshman

band

but

we won't get into that

***

i'm working at

ingles

and have been since about

mid-may

and making

6.55

really isn't bad

unless you have to

pay your own

band fees

...

:/

so i guess i'll go now

considering it's

waaayyy

past my bedtime

and i have work at

10

in the morning

so

i will

update some more

later

;)

peace

xoxoxo

i'm ready

wow

it's been quite a while

and i have

great

news

first of all

i'm not as

"depressing"

or

"pessimistic"

just a little pissed and hopeful ;)

i'm pissed about garrett

i've tried many times and he

WILL NOT

communicate with me

and i hate it

it's

EXTREMELY

rude and obnoxious

but

since my last little discovery

i'm giving up on him

(but will probably go with him if he ever wanted to again)

and i have moved on

i have a couple things goin on

chancery will always be there

and markus is

REALLY

fun to flirt with

plus he's a christian which i have to say

is a

MAJOR

turn on for me for some odd reason lol

and then there's josh

yes

josh beever

i don't know why this happened

but it did

we went to the mall

his house

and mine

and it happened

somewhere between

leaving the pinnacle

and leaving his house

...we clicked...

it was so weird

cause i had been avoiding feeling this way about him

since last year

and then we clicked

and then i came home

and read his blog

about his

girlfriend

and i was crushed

i felt like he had lead me on

the WHOLE time

so i told him

and he was actually surprised to hear that

i felt the same way he did about that night

so

i told him to stay with billy

(his gf)

and i'll go ahead and do whatever

and when we're both single

and comfortable dating

then we'll date

but then there's a problem

...chancery...

i

DO NOT

want to hurt him in

ANY

shape or form

but he's been so patient

and willing to wait

and if i just go off

with someone else...

...not only will he feel bad

i'll feel like

SHIT...

i love chancery

he's been there for me through

everything

and he loves me back

i just don't want to do what

sarah

did to him.

i'm not too sure if i want to date

josh

anyways

i'd much rather go for chancery

but then i'd be leading

josh

on.

and markus is just there

well

i think

(since josh is dating someone right now and he said it was ok for me to too)

i'll go ahead and date someone.

i just don't know if i'm ready for chancery.

gosh...

you know...

i think i might be ready...

just maybe...

yeah

that'd be fun

*smiles to self*

then i think everything will be fun

i just don't know if

i'm ready for the

kissing

holding hands

dancing

i love you

parts of the relationship...

i'm ready for chancery

just not the relationship

...hmmm...

well

something to think on

peace

xoxoxo

you know what??

i do owe chancery some credit

cause he's pretty much benn

the only one

who listens

to the point that i get annoying

and he doesn't complain

yet he still loves me

and will wait

i love that about him

thanks chancery

much love for you

peace

xoxoxo

reminiscence

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

that don't bother me

i can take a few tears now and then

and just let them out

i'm not afraid to cry

every once in a while

even though going on

with you gone

still upsets me

there are days

every now

and again

i pretend i'm ok

but that's not what gets me

what hurts the most

was being so close

and having so much to say

and watching you walk away

and never knowing

what could've been

and not seeing that loving you

is what i was trying to do

it's hard to deal with the pain

of losing you

everywhere i go

but i'm doing it

it's hard to force that smile

when i see our old friends and i'm alone

still harder

getting up

getting dressed

living with

this regret

but i know

if i could do it over

i would trade

give away

all the words

that i saved

in my heart

that i left unspoken

what hurts the most

is being so close

and having so much to say

and watching you walk away

and never knowing

what could've been

and not seeing that loving you

is what i was trying to do

................

well

if you haven't guessed already

i am writing this song down for garrett

it really explains how i feel

cause i do

i cry

and it's ok sometimes

but it's hard

to act like everything's ok

to force the smile on my face

whenever i see him at the locker

i kinda gave in today though

i hugged him

maybe a little too long

a little too tight

cause when i left him

i cried

and relived every moment we shared

and especially

the phone call

the call he made that would totally

screw up my life

i can't listen to my

FAVORITE

cascada song anymore

cause it was our song

and it hurts

to dance with my friends to the beat

cause it reminds me of

the first time i heard the song with him

on his ipod

on the band bus

to atlanta

we danced

we laughed

i fell asleep on his shoulder

i'm dying inside

even now

just think about it

my throat is caving in

and i can hardly breathe

i really

truly

NEED

to get over him

but it's too hard

i don't know how i'd get through

life alone

without him in it

not being able to see his blonde head

shining under the fluorescent lights in the halls

not hearing his sarcastic voice when i ask him how his day is going

not smelling the scent of adidas when we walk together

not seeing the plaid and striped shirts and blue jeans

and horrid black shoes he always wears

not seeing the big blue eyes

that once saw straight through my soul

not feeling the prickle of his

too blonde to see

facial hair pulling at my hair as we part to go our separate ways

i deeply miss being able to talk to him

to laugh

and goof off

and be stupid with him

and to be lovers with him

i want it back

i just think it's awkward to be that way with anyone else

cause when i try to imagine it

i think of him

he's a part of me

...forever...

peace

xoxoxo

flying until you realize you're falling

all of today was interesting

in both good and bad ways

let's see here

did nothing in singers :)

brought my grade up in english :)

watched a creepy show on discovery in 2nd :/

read and talked to chancery in 3rd :)

talked to allison in geometry :)

went to bojangles

(which officially sucks)

with whitney and rachel after school :(

wandered the school before the singers concert :/

sang for people :)

missed the yearbook pic :(

pulled floor for winterguard :(

missed ussery at quaker steak :(

talked to chancery on the phone :)

ate some soup :)

and now i'm here :)

:) = good

:/= indifferent

:(= bad

i guess you could've figured that one out

but i thought i'd help some people out

maggie officially has a

hemorrage

of some sort

because of her surgery

kinda scary

i hope she gets better

well

i'm just going through

A LOT

so if i bite anyone's head off

or already did

i'm sorry

or if i scared you a lot

i'm sorry

i've just got a lot goin on

in my family and social atmosphere

and personal scene

so

if i threaten to get

3rd degree burns

don't worry

they just might turn out to be

1st degree

ummmm

yeah

i'm gonna go to bed now

so i can get up at

5am

to make

hot pinapple salad

YUM

so

g'night

peace

xoxoxo

i am waiting (original)

i am waiting

to see my Father face to face in a snowy white atmosphere

i am waiting

for broken hearts to become as whole as they were before

i am waiting

for my dad to really apologize for all he's done

i am waiting

to give my husband my gift of renewed purity that i've kept for him all my life

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

to hear the trumpets sound on that fateful day

i am waiting

for segregation to truely end forever

i am waiting

for the day i don't have to hear curse words on television

i am waiting

for the seven wonders to be found by my best friend

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for aliens to communicate with the White House

i am waiting

for women everywhere to accept aging as allurement

i am waiting

to become the best veterinarian the world has ever seen

i am waiting

for doors to be left unlocked again

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

to smell the scent of a mountain-top and feel the pressure of the thinning air on my lungs

i am waiting

to swim in the deepest ocean without coming up for a breath

i am waiting

for the answers to the questions that follow a loved one's death

i am waiting

to learn why the ones who aren't deserving are spared

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for the cures for the big illnesses which small bodies must endure

i am waiting

for the Almighty Dollar to loosen its hold on Americans

i am waiting

for nature to return to the days of Eden

i am waiting

for all men to realize women are more than capable

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for time to stand still

i am waiting

to relive my first birthday and face-plant my birthday cake

i am waiting

for Journey to have a reunion concert in my backyard

i am waiting

for someone to hear the fallen tree in the forest that no one heard

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for the pure and simple truth to actually be pure and simple

i am waiting

for something out of nothing

i am waiting

for violence to be vanquished

i am waiting

for Apple Jacks to taste like apples

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

to see the center of a black hole in the nearest galaxy

i am waiting

to witness the hatching of a Bald Eagle in a 50 foot tall tree

i am waiting

to literally drink the Sun's warmth and eat moonbeams

i am waiting

to open an oyster with a pearl undiscovered

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom which comes from pure joy

...

don't take this the wrong way

i don't need a hug

as much as i need to stop looking back at him

and wondering if he'll ever think of me again

not as much as i need to lose this feeling of misery

and move on whether he wants to be part of my life or not

and not as much as i need something to fill the gigantic hole he left

in my heart i opened too willingly

i feel like i don't know if i'll ever be ok

he keeps changing things and i

HATE

change like nothing else

i just wish he still loved me the way i still love him

after garrett and i broke up

he tried to ignore me

as much as possible

then he started to kinda work his way

back into talking to me

then out of the blue

he stops talking to me again

and drops me on his friends list

from 3

to 9!!!

what kind of signal does that put out??

god...

it makes me truely sad

to know he doesn't even think of me

as a friend enough to

drop me like that

i know, i know

it's just myspace

but people put real feelings into that stuff

cause it's the only way they

can express themselves

i don't know if he's like that

but i wouldn't doubt it

.............

then i try to think about chance

well,

i don't even know about him anymore

cause he and i are as close as garrett and i were

and we dated

went too far

and broke my heart

i don't want that again

it's not that i don't love him

i really do

but i can't let myself

or him

get hurt like that

i know heartache is a part of life

but i don't want it so close to each other

last year after quinten

every other one of my bfs were

rebound guys

cause i had put myself through so much with him

that i suddenly thought that i

needed another guy to fill the hole

for a while it did

but then i'd break up with them and i'd feel even worse

which brought me to nathan

and he was in the same boat as i was

and we kind of forced ourselves onto each other

and made our hearts believe we were in love

but we weren't

that's why our flame died so early

why i didn't want to hurt myself again so i just cheated on him

then after him

i said

i'm not going to date until i find out what i want

and garrett was always there to talk

we were such great friends

even before we dated

his parents loved me

and my mom him

then we got the bright idea of dating

we were truely in love

but we were too young for love

and our love brought out the worst in our horomones

which in turn ruined our relationship

now he won't even talk to me

and he still has a huge chunk of my heart

which is why it hurts

soooooooooo

BAD

so it's been about a month or so later

and i find another great friend to talk to

and i develop feeling that i haven't had for him

i let him know

and he just took off with the idea

i know he may not think he is

but to my broken heart

he is

sure it's great to have someone there for you who cares

but not one that holds your hand

i mean

i know that showed a lot of emotion

but i don't want that much emotion yet

probably not for a

LONG

time

i just need him for how he was before

and for cozy hugs

but nothing else until i know

i don't want garrett anymore

cause i can't be with someone when

they aren't the one i want to be with

it just defeats the whole purpose

no offense to him

i mean i still love him

but i don't want anything more than what we have

i know he doesn't think he's going too fast

but to me

a wounded lover

thinks he's going too far

so

i just want to be able to share myself

with anyone and everyone

even matt bartley

cause you have to admit

he is pretty cute

cuter than his brother

and really nice

and has good taste

and let me wear his old tennis shoes

while we played frisbee

at his house

but i'm not giving up
on the ones i already know

so don't leave me

peace

xoxoxo