you know what??

i do owe chancery some credit

cause he's pretty much benn

the only one

who listens

to the point that i get annoying

and he doesn't complain

yet he still loves me

and will wait

i love that about him

thanks chancery

much love for you

peace

xoxoxo

reminiscence

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

that don't bother me

i can take a few tears now and then

and just let them out

i'm not afraid to cry

every once in a while

even though going on

with you gone

still upsets me

there are days

every now

and again

i pretend i'm ok

but that's not what gets me

what hurts the most

was being so close

and having so much to say

and watching you walk away

and never knowing

what could've been

and not seeing that loving you

is what i was trying to do

it's hard to deal with the pain

of losing you

everywhere i go

but i'm doing it

it's hard to force that smile

when i see our old friends and i'm alone

still harder

getting up

getting dressed

living with

this regret

but i know

if i could do it over

i would trade

give away

all the words

that i saved

in my heart

that i left unspoken

what hurts the most

is being so close

and having so much to say

and watching you walk away

and never knowing

what could've been

and not seeing that loving you

is what i was trying to do

................

well

if you haven't guessed already

i am writing this song down for garrett

it really explains how i feel

cause i do

i cry

and it's ok sometimes

but it's hard

to act like everything's ok

to force the smile on my face

whenever i see him at the locker

i kinda gave in today though

i hugged him

maybe a little too long

a little too tight

cause when i left him

i cried

and relived every moment we shared

and especially

the phone call

the call he made that would totally

screw up my life

i can't listen to my

FAVORITE

cascada song anymore

cause it was our song

and it hurts

to dance with my friends to the beat

cause it reminds me of

the first time i heard the song with him

on his ipod

on the band bus

to atlanta

we danced

we laughed

i fell asleep on his shoulder

i'm dying inside

even now

just think about it

my throat is caving in

and i can hardly breathe

i really

truly

NEED

to get over him

but it's too hard

i don't know how i'd get through

life alone

without him in it

not being able to see his blonde head

shining under the fluorescent lights in the halls

not hearing his sarcastic voice when i ask him how his day is going

not smelling the scent of adidas when we walk together

not seeing the plaid and striped shirts and blue jeans

and horrid black shoes he always wears

not seeing the big blue eyes

that once saw straight through my soul

not feeling the prickle of his

too blonde to see

facial hair pulling at my hair as we part to go our separate ways

i deeply miss being able to talk to him

to laugh

and goof off

and be stupid with him

and to be lovers with him

i want it back

i just think it's awkward to be that way with anyone else

cause when i try to imagine it

i think of him

he's a part of me

...forever...

peace

xoxoxo

flying until you realize you're falling

all of today was interesting

in both good and bad ways

let's see here

did nothing in singers :)

brought my grade up in english :)

watched a creepy show on discovery in 2nd :/

read and talked to chancery in 3rd :)

talked to allison in geometry :)

went to bojangles

(which officially sucks)

with whitney and rachel after school :(

wandered the school before the singers concert :/

sang for people :)

missed the yearbook pic :(

pulled floor for winterguard :(

missed ussery at quaker steak :(

talked to chancery on the phone :)

ate some soup :)

and now i'm here :)

:) = good

:/= indifferent

:(= bad

i guess you could've figured that one out

but i thought i'd help some people out

maggie officially has a

hemorrage

of some sort

because of her surgery

kinda scary

i hope she gets better

well

i'm just going through

A LOT

so if i bite anyone's head off

or already did

i'm sorry

or if i scared you a lot

i'm sorry

i've just got a lot goin on

in my family and social atmosphere

and personal scene

so

if i threaten to get

3rd degree burns

don't worry

they just might turn out to be

1st degree

ummmm

yeah

i'm gonna go to bed now

so i can get up at

5am

to make

hot pinapple salad

YUM

so

g'night

peace

xoxoxo

i am waiting (original)

i am waiting

to see my Father face to face in a snowy white atmosphere

i am waiting

for broken hearts to become as whole as they were before

i am waiting

for my dad to really apologize for all he's done

i am waiting

to give my husband my gift of renewed purity that i've kept for him all my life

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

to hear the trumpets sound on that fateful day

i am waiting

for segregation to truely end forever

i am waiting

for the day i don't have to hear curse words on television

i am waiting

for the seven wonders to be found by my best friend

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for aliens to communicate with the White House

i am waiting

for women everywhere to accept aging as allurement

i am waiting

to become the best veterinarian the world has ever seen

i am waiting

for doors to be left unlocked again

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

to smell the scent of a mountain-top and feel the pressure of the thinning air on my lungs

i am waiting

to swim in the deepest ocean without coming up for a breath

i am waiting

for the answers to the questions that follow a loved one's death

i am waiting

to learn why the ones who aren't deserving are spared

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for the cures for the big illnesses which small bodies must endure

i am waiting

for the Almighty Dollar to loosen its hold on Americans

i am waiting

for nature to return to the days of Eden

i am waiting

for all men to realize women are more than capable

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for time to stand still

i am waiting

to relive my first birthday and face-plant my birthday cake

i am waiting

for Journey to have a reunion concert in my backyard

i am waiting

for someone to hear the fallen tree in the forest that no one heard

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

for the pure and simple truth to actually be pure and simple

i am waiting

for something out of nothing

i am waiting

for violence to be vanquished

i am waiting

for Apple Jacks to taste like apples

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom

...

i am waiting

to see the center of a black hole in the nearest galaxy

i am waiting

to witness the hatching of a Bald Eagle in a 50 foot tall tree

i am waiting

to literally drink the Sun's warmth and eat moonbeams

i am waiting

to open an oyster with a pearl undiscovered

and i am waiting

for absolute freedom which comes from pure joy

...

don't take this the wrong way

i don't need a hug

as much as i need to stop looking back at him

and wondering if he'll ever think of me again

not as much as i need to lose this feeling of misery

and move on whether he wants to be part of my life or not

and not as much as i need something to fill the gigantic hole he left

in my heart i opened too willingly

i feel like i don't know if i'll ever be ok

he keeps changing things and i

HATE

change like nothing else

i just wish he still loved me the way i still love him

after garrett and i broke up

he tried to ignore me

as much as possible

then he started to kinda work his way

back into talking to me

then out of the blue

he stops talking to me again

and drops me on his friends list

from 3

to 9!!!

what kind of signal does that put out??

god...

it makes me truely sad

to know he doesn't even think of me

as a friend enough to

drop me like that

i know, i know

it's just myspace

but people put real feelings into that stuff

cause it's the only way they

can express themselves

i don't know if he's like that

but i wouldn't doubt it

.............

then i try to think about chance

well,

i don't even know about him anymore

cause he and i are as close as garrett and i were

and we dated

went too far

and broke my heart

i don't want that again

it's not that i don't love him

i really do

but i can't let myself

or him

get hurt like that

i know heartache is a part of life

but i don't want it so close to each other

last year after quinten

every other one of my bfs were

rebound guys

cause i had put myself through so much with him

that i suddenly thought that i

needed another guy to fill the hole

for a while it did

but then i'd break up with them and i'd feel even worse

which brought me to nathan

and he was in the same boat as i was

and we kind of forced ourselves onto each other

and made our hearts believe we were in love

but we weren't

that's why our flame died so early

why i didn't want to hurt myself again so i just cheated on him

then after him

i said

i'm not going to date until i find out what i want

and garrett was always there to talk

we were such great friends

even before we dated

his parents loved me

and my mom him

then we got the bright idea of dating

we were truely in love

but we were too young for love

and our love brought out the worst in our horomones

which in turn ruined our relationship

now he won't even talk to me

and he still has a huge chunk of my heart

which is why it hurts

soooooooooo

BAD

so it's been about a month or so later

and i find another great friend to talk to

and i develop feeling that i haven't had for him

i let him know

and he just took off with the idea

i know he may not think he is

but to my broken heart

he is

sure it's great to have someone there for you who cares

but not one that holds your hand

i mean

i know that showed a lot of emotion

but i don't want that much emotion yet

probably not for a

LONG

time

i just need him for how he was before

and for cozy hugs

but nothing else until i know

i don't want garrett anymore

cause i can't be with someone when

they aren't the one i want to be with

it just defeats the whole purpose

no offense to him

i mean i still love him

but i don't want anything more than what we have

i know he doesn't think he's going too fast

but to me

a wounded lover

thinks he's going too far

so

i just want to be able to share myself

with anyone and everyone

even matt bartley

cause you have to admit

he is pretty cute

cuter than his brother

and really nice

and has good taste

and let me wear his old tennis shoes

while we played frisbee

at his house

but i'm not giving up
on the ones i already know

so don't leave me

peace

xoxoxo

GIGGLES are a girls best friend

hehehe

well....

my bestest friend just wrote

that he's

fallen for me

....

that's a thinker right there

not a bad one though

the kind where you sit for a while

and think

with butterflies

in your belly

and his face in your mind

then you think

i really don't want to date him

because this sounds exactly like the whole

...michael...

situation

yeah, that's what i'll call him

we sat there thinking about what would happen

if we were to break up

we said we'd be friends forever!

how can you be friends with someone

who crushed your heart

and mangles your spirit

and wipes the smile from your face

every time you see them?

how could i lead myself into another

...........

trap

like that again??

sure we still talk

but it's SO painful

i'm just afraid that if anything happened

that we'd end up in the same situation

but then again,

david and i both

have this fear

of the future.

we think that

if we don't find anyone now

we'll never have a chance later

.....

am i going too far with this??

hhmmmm

you know what?

screw the aliases

i have feelings

(strong feelings)

for

CHANCERY

DAVID

BROSAN

and

GARRETT

MICHAEL

EFFIN

RUDD

screwed my whole life over!!!!!!!!!

.....................

there

out

ANYWHOOOOOO

so yesterday i sang at wallace again

and saw nathan

it was a little weird

cause his mom still hugs me and

tells me she loves me

but he didn't listen to me sing

which i thought was weird

and that was pretty much it

he did

however

ask about the letter

and i said i didn't get it yet

so

i think we're in the green on that one

(you know,

i suck at golf.

i don't even know if that's the proper usage of that phrase)

here's my predicament

i really like my bestie

(might even love)

my most recent ex is a douche

i confuse myself easily

i talk to myself

all my besties are boys

cause they don't confuse me as much

peace

xoxoxo

bunch o'stuff

singing at wallace memorial today

inbetween the shows of

the living christmas tree.

it was cool

then we went to

o'charley's

and i ate the

loaded potato soup

which is absolutely

TO DIE FOR

then

mr. kennedy

got the bright idea of

switching the solos with

people who didn't have one.

including me.

so i got alix's solo

it was supposed to be mine in the first place

but i chickened out

i think i did pretty good with it today though

then when i got back on the risers from singing

i broke an ornament

and it pretty much

shattered everywhere.

i freaked

but it was cleaned up

when i got back from the bathroom

...maggie's a good dog...

sorry

random

but anyways,

i'm not going to call him tonight

becasue it's a test

and yes

all those myths on movies

about girls performing all these tests

on guys and girls alike

are totally true

so this is a test.

if he cares enough about me

he'll call

if he doesn't really care whether we talk or not

he won't

cause i've been calling him

almost every night

and tonight

i won't

so we'll just wait and see what happens

btw

i finished new moon

and it was amazing

i was kinda confused about the ending though

kinda mad

kinda sad

kinda relieved

all that

i'm rally looking forward to her graduation though

for all of you

who know what i'm talking about

if you don't

go read

twilight

by stephanie meyer

it's

AMAZING

only if you like vampires

and undying love

and gore

i do

he he he

that's kind of a

contradiction

if you think about it

love vs. gore

ha ha ha

makes me laugh

so nathan's gonna be at wallace tomorrow

cause we're singing there again

and he'll be there

and he'll stalk me

if not

he'll def ask me about the letter

i think i'll pretend that

i haven't gotten it yet

that way we're not in an awkward postion

we'll be able to act normal

well

i will at least

who knows

he might just get down on one knee right there

and propose to me

again

that would be

...dreadful...

sorry nathan

but i don't want you

like you want me

i want someone else

maybe two someone elses

depending on how the 1/2

of the someone else

(a.k.a. chancery

-or-

daivd)

decides what to do tonight

like

*ahem*

call

me

if david called me

then i'd be pretty happy

i guess he might

maybe not

maybe he's one of those guys who

let's the girl lead if she started it

and i pretty much

started it

what if he is

and doesn't call?

would i be upset?

not really

just a little...

...

nostalgic??

idk what the word is

i know i would just miss him

i've missed him all day

i'm def seeing him tomorrow though

cause i've finished reading

the book he let me borrow

and i have to get it back to him

so

i'll be seeing him

what is wrong with me???

why do i worry over one person

SO MUCH???

i mean

i care about him

i just am...

...

overeacting??

idk

i'm really at a loss for words right now

but

i'll just keep

wishing that he would call

so

peace

xoxoxo

nathan blackstock

hmm...

this is actually quite interseting

and at the same time

it makes me feel guilty.

nathan wrote me a love letter.

and in that letter

he asked me out

...again...

i really don't know what to do

he's not over me

obviously

but i'm really over him

that's why i broke up with him

and cheated on him twice

could he not take a hint?

that i wasn't "feeling it"?

he never kept the flame going

and i got bored with him

he took me for granted

and our relationship plateaued

then went downhill

i really do still care about him,

but not in the way that i want to be with him

when we were dating

he gave me a promise ring

that when i graduated

he would propose to me

and we would get married

......

i can tell you now

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

so,

without further ado,

here's the letter

"the letter that was to late"

you once wrote me a letter, and i never wrote you back until now. ever since we broke up my life hasn't been the same something has changed about me. i didn't care about anything in this world, i started going to more parties, and staying out late. then i meet a girl that reminded me of you. a couple of weeks went by and i thought i was over you. till we went to a party and her ex came up and hit her. enraged by this i got up and fought with this guy, and said "if i ever see you around kaitlyn again i'd kill you." but her name wasn't kaitlyn that's when i realized i wasn't over you.

then i was sad during november. cause i remembered that the seventith would of been are one year aniversary. i was going to call you, but it was right after you and garrett broke up. so i didn't want to be the ex that made you feel bad. so here i sit broken heart and this empty shell of a man. writing you a letter that was to late to write. i asked you to brad paisley as a date. hoping to fill that feeling for you again. are prom picture that you gave me still hasn't left my side. i look at it every night. some nights i cry myself to sleep just looking at it.

i would like for you to read these songs like i read yours in your letter.

(insert songs "she's everything" by brad paisley and "sorry" by buckcherry)

that's how i feel what i couldn't say to you face to face so i write it in this letter thats just to late.

so i'm asking you this question one more time time. would you go out with me.

i put all my love and thought in this letter thats to late

love,

nathan blackstock

(all typos were in actual letter)

so yeah...

that's pretty much it

i don't know how the heck i'm going to respond

but if you have any ideas

please let me know

peace

xoxoxo

hehehe

i just realized something

this is like

an electronic diary

hehe

that's cool

peace

my metaphor

this is a passage i read in

New Moon

by stephanie meyer

it describes my whole

"situation"

about

me-juliet

him-romeo

and my almost too good to be true best friend-paris

i thought about juliet some more.

i wondered what she would have done if romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interest? what if rosalind had given hi the time of day, and he'd changed his mind? what if, instead of marrying juliet, he'd just disappeared?

i thought i knew how juliet would feel.

she wouldn't go back to her old life, not really. she wouldn't ever have moved on, i was sure of that. even if she'd lived until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have been romeo's face she saw behind her lids. she would have accepted that, eventually.

i wondered if she would have married paris in the end, just to please her parents, to keep the peace. no, probably not, i decided. but then, the story didn't sat much about paris. he was just a stick figure ---a placeholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.

what if there were more to paris?

what if paris had been juliet's friend? her very best friend? what if he was the only oneshe could confide in about the whole devastating thing with romeo? the one person who really understood her and made her feel halfway human again? what if he was patient and kind? what if he took care of her? what if juliet knew she couldn't survive without him? what if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?

and...what if she loved paris? not like romeo. nothing like that, of course. but enough that she wanted him to be happy too?

i don't really know if this makes any sense whatsoever

but

it should to

maybe two people

me

and him

...so...

i hope this explains some things

if not any

xoxoxo

well...here i am

...so...

this is me

i am def new to this whole blog thing and i think it'd be pretty cool to just have a place that i can write out anyhting i want to without anyone knowing about it

yeah

i don't think

NO ONE

is going to know about my blog

i mean

my bestest of friends will know about it

and

probably some random people that i don't know who are really freaks and like to look at random people's blogs for the fun of it

well, i guess i'll start out describing my current situatuion

i just got out of a pretty deep relationship with my boyfriend about

i don't know

a month or so ago??

maybe shorter

but it sucks

major monkey balls

i can't stop thinking about him

and then i think i'm starting to care about my best friend more than i should

i mean

i've always loved him

in a friendly way

but i think i "love" love him

i mean

yesterday, i like stared at him

wondering what it's be like to be his girlfriend

i wondered if he knew that he means the world to me

that i can't survive without him

i try not to care

try to me myself

but i can't

without my other half

ok

sorry, i didn't mean for this whole thing to be about my sorry ass love life

but that's pretty much MY life

other than boys...

my girlfriends are ok

i guess you could say that

i'm a loser

so this is me

and my naturally

devastating

life

...oh...

trust me

there's more